I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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