Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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