doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
