And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize