mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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