My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
