I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
