Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
