Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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