ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
