I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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