The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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