you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I DEMAND FORESKIN
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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