god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Pants 0. Shit 1.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize