life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
