Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
