she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
