There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I'm really busy with my period
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