I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize