a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
