Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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