your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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