Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
