I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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