does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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