mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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