I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
