My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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