I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
