i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
