that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
