Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
