i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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