Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
