i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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