That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
