Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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