god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
