So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
