I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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