I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
