You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
