need another drink. this is the easiest way
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
3pm strippers are depressing
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My ass is underappreciated
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
