My liver just broke up with me...
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
