Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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