when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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