so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
