how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
