My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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