My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
