I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
