I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
