I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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