i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
we should paint friendship bongs
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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