He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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