No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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