Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
