If i come over, it means nothing
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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