Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
