I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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